Okay so I'm literally only doing this because Aaron did. There are a lot of things I wish I could say to some people but never will be able to or well, refuse to. A lot of these things are inner most thoughts and/or are too mean to express and I'm just not like that.

If you think you are in here then go ahead and read it.

But I will never mention who is who on here, and I probably wont be acknowledge the fact that you are on here at all.

Dont think one of them is you cause it's probably not. Actually I guarentee you wont be right if you try to pick out which is you!

Oh and some people arent on here cause well, you just arent that special... haha jk...


Here's the deal.
1. Pick 25 people
2. DON'T put their names
3. Be honest. Write down anything and everything you've ever wanted to tell them, but probably never will.



1. You are an asshole. I cant stand you. I used to think you were the shit. I used to love being around you and now everytime I am around you I feel like you're trying to use me in a new way and so I avoid you.

2. I am over you. I've been telling myself that I should tell you that for a long time but for some reason lately I've felt like I dont even need to. It took a long time but I've grown to where I am now because you were such a difficult person. Thanks! :)

3. You are like the person I always wished I could be friends with but was too scared to talk to. I'm glad you IMed me one night and we just kinda talked about nothing but everything. You're awesome and I'm glad you're in my life.

4. I tell you everything already so you dont really even need this. You're sort of like my soul mate, just a woman. It's awesome to be so different from someone in certain aspects but have them not care about those differences.

5. You are a really awesome guy. You are my big brother. I am so thankful to have you in my life. You are always honest with me, even when I hate it, but you tell me things I need to know and you help me grow with out criticism.

6. I miss you. I miss seeing you around and having you call me randomly and wish you kill my spongebob! Where have you been?

7. Sometimes you bug me but only when you're on the phone with someone else. I love hanging out with you and we always laugh way too much! You rock and I'm stoked we're friends!

8. You led me on. You should be castrated with a dirty butchers knife. Ok fine thats a little nasty but seriously dude, what the heck. You're a jerk and I dont like you. I can actually say this to your face so if the person this pertains to is reading it... they REALLY know who I'm talking about! :P

9. You make me laugh. You're so immature but pretend to not be. You blame me for things that I dont do purposely and you like to talk shit behind my back but then say to my face that you never would do that. It's okay though, you entertain me with your ways of getting immense amounts of attention over things you dont really have.I should miss you but I dont! Oh and... it was me!(

10. You are a weirdo. Not in a bad way. I never know what you're thinking and in a way it's fun. You're almost always a blast to hang out with and I know you'd always have my back! I love you dude!

11. You are a whore. Honestly, you used to call me that all the time and you like to say that you arent but you are. Literally two people might know what I'm talking about right here but the only words to describe you are LAOLAOLAOLAOLAOLAOLAOL... however you spell that. Someday I will see you in walmart!

12. You and I will always have a connection. We come from the same place so we always have that in common. Okay this one is way too obvious. lol You make me laugh and you can rape as many babies as you need to fulfill your happiness... lol that sounds so wrong!

13. You look like a huge animal! You talk shit about me constantly to make yourself look better and you look like a rat with a smooshed up face. I honestly think that keeping your "friendship" was one of the worst mistakes I've made.

14. You are gorgeous. Seriously... so beautiful. You have had such an influence in my life and you will always be part of me.

15. You are the coolest person in the world. I had way too much fun with you and literally you are the only reason that I would ever move back down there. I love you and would not have picked any other person to live with. I wish we could talk more and hang out more. :(

16. You are freakin rad dude. Seriously, you make great music, you rock out and you're pretty damn awesome. I like talking to you and I'm glad we met.

17. You hate so much that i'm not into you anymore. You're snoody comment the other day made me realize it. You're just a little boy in a mans body. I love you to death but I'm not stuck on you like I was. Like the song goes, I already have a pussy, I dont need another one!

18. I'm so stoked that I met you. Seriously, it's so awesome making new friends and you are such a cool person. I cant wait to get to know you better! By the way, you're smile is amazing!

19. Sometimes you bug me. But you are my girlfriends boyfriend so I guess I gotta love you too! It's gotten a lot better lately than it used to be. But Goodness gracious man... lets do something every once in awhile lol

20. I'm scared of you. Not like literally but I'm afraid of what you'll grow up to be/do. I hope the best for you and I really do love you but I'm scared.

21. You've helped me more than you know. You're criticism of me, my whole life, has helped me react to other peoples criticism better. It's helped me accept things the way that they are and you're bitter, unloving attitude has made me stronger in my sense of self.

22. I wish you could say you loved me more often. More often than once or twice a year in a card or a letter. I need to hear it, especially from you. You wonder why I'm so afraid to let someone love me. I hope you get the hint!

23. You two are like another mom and dad, just one that picks on me, which is cool cause you actually talk instead of grunt. Thanks for allowing me to come over and sort of be part of the family.

24. You are rad. I miss having you around. We always did such random stuff and had a blast doing it. Thanks for checking in on me now and then and always making sure I'm okay. A true friend for sure!

25. Thank you for judging me! I will never say this again so listen close. because you judged me it helped me take a closer look. What you had to say about me, wasnt true, but parts of it were. And because of this I took a deeper look at myself and began the road to a better me! Thanks for being such a bitch!

oh and just because

26. I wish you would have told me that you were into me! Oh well, I found out two years later and it was pretty exciting! :) miss you bud!

wow the last time I posted in this was 28 weeks ago. I realized though today that if I just start writing everything I think, that I come to some awesome conclusions. Here are todays...

Anyways, on a different subject... I just got offered a huge job at Allstate. I dont know if I'm going to take it. I'm supposed to be meeting with the regional manager on tuesday. It's a big opportunity. I just dont want it to steer me the wrong way. I'm confused in this sense though cause on one side

(1) I take the job and start small in the company, gaining business knowledge and skill, and grow larger and larger and make a huge career out of it eventually, after many years of hard work.

or

(2) I dont take the job and I continue on my road to being a teacher.

How do we know which is the right road. What if this is opportunity knocking on my door and it could take me to big big places. But on the other hand do I want to go to big big places. If I take that path will I wake up one day when I'm 40 wishing I had had kids and wondering what would have happened if I had taken the other path?

I think that these years in a person life are the most crucial. In our early 20's we have to make so many decisions that effect our ENTIRE life. And we thought picking our outfit for the first day of school in 9th grade was a difficult decision.

Is success worth it? I think about this too much but I have business skills and promotional skills. I could get my degree in business. Go off and work my way up a huge company, spend many hours in my white walled office with my desk made of expensive wood and my fake/real plant standing in the corner for a touch of "nature". I could work long hours and come home to either an empty apartment or to a husband who probably doesnt even know me, since he hardly sees me. Wait til I'm older (30's) to have kids, if I even get a chance to have them at all. But be extremly successful. Be able to go back to highschool reunions and brag about my company and my huge success but have no pictures of my happy family and adorable children. Is that worth it?

I feel like, yes I could be very successful, I could seize of that opportunity and be wealthy and happy. But... when I add the word "happy" ... is that what I really am?

Watching sports and having barbeques makes me happy! Playing with little kids and babysitting makes me happy! Going to the beach and taunting the seals makes me happy! Seeing a band play live and drinking a beer makes me happy! Laying on the couch watching Anchorman makes me happy! Hanging out with friends watching mexican game shows makes me happy!

would I have time to do those things? Would I be truly happy? I've heard money doesnt buy happiness and be honest, since I've had none the past few months, I believe that it's true. Yeah so I like to buy a new sweater every now and then. But I was way more stressed out and uptight when I had cash in my pocket. Furthermore I was way more stressed out and uptight when I didnt. Now, since I havent for awhile, getting a paycheck is a blessing. It's fun. It's nice to have but it's not the end of the world when it's spent either.

Yeah so what teachers dont make great money. But ya know what? The benefit everywhere else. Time off, working with kids, shorter work days. That leaves time for a family, time to watch the game, time to take a drive, time to live.


I'd rather live...


I think I just made my choice!

Tags: work
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: survivor

So I think I might start writing in here again. I havent in a long time and I have a lot to say. Not right now but later I will begin telling myself about my life again. Hopefully by next year my life will be different and I can read these and realize how stupid and immature I was at this time in my life. Anyways I'm going to Rocky tonight and I'm rather excited. I not so excited that i'm going with sara but oh well. She got all jealous when I had my outfit on last night and was like, you're going to look hotter than me, then proceeded to try to steal my skirt I was going to wear. Yeah I dont love you that much. Anyways, I'll write more later... that's all for now.

OK I AM NEVER STAYING UP THIS LATE EVER AGAIN.
I dont care how long it's been since I've last slept or how much I have to do.
There are like coyotes all howling at eachother REALLY loudly right now
and all these birds like "ahhh ahhh ahhh"
it's friggin freaky dude!
Either that or I'm tripping cause I never sleep anymore.
I cant wait to go home.
I miss my girls so much and I think right now we all really need eachother.
To be honest I found what I need.
I dont understand why it took me so long and I dont understand why I couldnt see it before.
It was RIGHT there in front of my eyes.
I need God
I need Him so bad.
He is the only thing that can take the pain away.
He is the only one that can fulfill me and
He is the only one that understands me
He is the only one that truly loves me
I have been so selfish
I long to know Him and I long for Him to make me whole.
Creat in me a clean heart o God.
For I love you.

Lord
Abba, Father
Daddy I love you
Please make me like you
I long to be like you Father
You are so amazing and I am so wretched
I fall to my knees in shame of who I am
and what I'm seen
and where I've been
My thoughts are not soley focused on you Lord
I do not deserve the love you are giving me
Please be near me Father and although I am filthy
Please do not leave my side
For you Daddy are my rock
And althought I am nothing
you are my everything.

sleeping is overrated... I havent done it in awhile and I dont even feel tired anymore. I finished my theatre paper finally. I have to find a damn program now. and my laundry is taking forever. Somehow it feels like the last 5 hours have gone by really quickly. I ate breakfast, grabbed a smoothie, started my laundry and wrote my paper. Where does the time go?

I wish I could fly!

I just saw an add for the movie... The Sciene of Sleep. At least I think it's a movie. Either way, I think maybe I'll watch that one. Sounds like it would do mt some good eh? Cause the sad thing is I am not even tired right now. I am a little but not really. I could easily stay up until chapel at 10:30 and then class at 11:10. But I should get some rest because today is going to be a long day. Especially since my paper is due tomorrow and I woke get back until early early in the morning Friday morning.

Thursdays Schedule:

Chapel 10:30-11 (if I make it I will be so proud cause I havent made one yet this semester)
Bowling 11:10-12:25 (I wanna get a 200 so I never have to go to class again)
Breakout 1:10-2 (such a waste of time)
Work 3-5
Dinner 5-6
Academic Advising Appointment 6-6:30 (so dumb that they MAKE us do this)
Free time 6:30-8:30 (I should probably use this time to write my Jesus paper for New Testament... but I probably wont)
Knott's Scary Farm 8:45-1am (I am so scared you dont even know)

Let me tell you the story about Knott's scary farm. When I was five my drug indused parents decided that taking me to Knott's scary farm would be a good idea. HELLO! Parental skills need to kick in someday. Anyways, I went and I was scared to death. For almost a year I literally visualized werewolves following me around and standing outside my window and stuff. I would have terrible nightmares of vampires killing me and my friends and from then on I was terrible frightened of haunted houses. All the other kids would go in and have fun but I would freak out after taking 2 steps in. I couldnt even go in with the lights on. Which is the story when I was 8 and I was in kids camp at YMCA and they let us go through the cool haunted house during the day with the lights on but I was too scared so I sat outside and some chainsaw killer tried to cut my head off. For what it's worth I think I'm over my phobia but I am not sure that I am ready for the Knott's. Although I'm allready makeing plans with Steph and Linds to go to horror nights universal. I dont think it matters where it is as long as I survive Knott's I can do anything.....